Hostess Shuts Down, Fires Twinkie the Kid, Dooms Mankind

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On the way into work this morning, I heard the saddest news… Hostess Brands is shutting down for good.

Hostess. The powerhouse behind such dessert hits as Twinkies, Ho Hos, and my favorite, Suzy Qs. In recent years, Hostess Brands apparently bought out rival Drakes, maker of similar (albeit inferior in my opinion) snacks like Yodels and Devil Dogs. But now, after filing for bankruptcy and having workers go on strike, Hostess is turning off the ovens.

Forget about the fact these are far from the healthiest things out there. They represent more than a delicious food group, they’re a part of my generation’s childhood!

No more will I get that same spongy cake with creamy filling. And what about that perfectly swirly icing on a chocolate cupcake? Sure, other companies have tried to replicate, but none come even close.

No, this is bad, people. Real bad.

Besides cutting out an essential food group in our diet, there are a few things this tragedy affects that you’v e probably haven’t even thought about yet:

How Will We Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

If you’ve seen Zombieland, you know that Twinkies are a major source of… er… inspiration for Woody Harrelson as he busts heads, literally. Without Twinkies, what’s going to fill that void when the walking dead start feasting on our flesh?

Will Twinkie the Kid File for Unemployment?

What about all the folks who live in Hostess Snack Cake Land? Twinkie the Kid. Captain Cupcake. Fruit Pie the Magician. And, uh.. Happy Ho Ho or something. They’ve been hanging out for decades, ensuring all Hostess deliciousness finds a good safe home. Where will they all go now? None of them really have any skills outside of not getting eaten, so finding a job in this economy is going to be next to impossible!

Where Will We Put All that Peanut Butter?

Hostess also makes the whitest bread on the planet: Wonder Bread. I have fond memories of visiting my neighborhood friend Gary and seeing him grab a loaf of Wonder Bread and a tub of peanut butter for lunch. You just can’t make a good peanut butter sandwich without Wonder Bread. Or tuna fish. Well, not together. Peanut butter and tuna sounds downright nasty. But my mom used to always make me tuna fish sandwiches for lunch on super fluffy Wonder Bread.

via DealiciousMom

How Will Spider-Man or the Hulk Stop Crime?

I read a lot of comic books as a kid. A lot. And they were chock full of ads aimed at kids, naturally. One common ad was from Hostess where a Marvel or DC superhero would be powerless against some criminal mastermind. How’d they always win? They’d distract the villain with a delicious Hostess snack cake! But now that they’re going the way of the Dodo, I fear for the safety of the Marvel and DC Universe.

via Drive-In Mike

 

Look What We’ll Never Shove in Our Mouths Again!

So many delicious sugar-filled products. Just gone. Who cares how they’re made or that most of them have the rubbery consistency of a pink Spalding ball. They tasted great. They tasted like pure freedom. Here’s a very small taste at exactly who will be joining the Snack Cakes Extinction List:

Twinkies – So long spongy goodness

Suzy Q’s – My favorite! I think I even still have those baseball cards!

Donettes – Little chocolate donuts.

GloBalls – Green Lantern Sno Balls. Insert your own joke here.

Snoballimus – Transformers SnoBalls? I somehow missed these in the movie.

Ho Hos and Ding Dongs – Same thing, different shapes.

Chocodiles – The much-elusive chocolate-covered Twinkie!

Hostess Fruit Pies – Actually, I never really liked this, so no biggie.

 

Say Goodbye to Art

And finally, we’ll never have artistic expression like this again.

R.I.P. Hostess. Your legend (and the Twinkies stockpiled in my basement) shall live on forever!

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20 thoughts on “Hostess Shuts Down, Fires Twinkie the Kid, Dooms Mankind

  1. OK that just mad me laugh AND cry all at the same time! I remember eating all this stuff as a kid! It brings back fond memories! I am sad to see an end of a era! Hostess was a great company and I will be sad to see it go!
    Michelle recently posted..Holiday Gift Guide and giveaway!!My Profile

    • I defintiely remember eating all this stuff… as a kid. Yeah, as a kid. ;) It is pretty sad. Hostess has been such a staple of pop culture for like ever!

  2. Andrew, I can always count on you for my laugh of the day!! Sorry you are so disappointed about Hostess.

    • OOoh, yeah. I should totally get my wife to make me some homemade Twinkies! It certainly won’t be the same, though. It’s impossibly to get that perfect spongy texture.

  3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    I love Twinkies and made it through my first pregnancy eating cases of the spongie cake goodness. There is no way I will be able to fight zombies during the apocalypse if my reward (the Twinkie) isn’t around. Fine. Just bite me zombies, I will have nothing to live for. Sigh.
    Jennifer The Quirky Momma recently posted..Thankful Thursday – A Day LateMy Profile

  4. As I wipe a tear from my eye (and laugh milk out my nose), I bid a fond farewell to some of my favorites here… I totally LOVE tuna on Wonder bread and still buy Wonder to this day. I absolutely LOVED Chocodiles and Suzy Q’s.
    I foresee the youth of today turning to crime to fulfill their snackcake yearnings until the Zombies get us all.
    Fairwell, my friends…….
    Lorie Shewbridge recently posted..Veterans Day 2012 ~ Remember and HonorMy Profile

    • Wow, Lorie. We must share the same exact tastebuds!!! Chocodiles and Suzy Q’s were my fav. And now I’m craving a tuna on Wonder Bread sammich!

  5. I haven’t had a Twinkie in ages and I must say I really don’t crave them. The good news is that they are now in mediation, ordered by a judge…he must love Hostess snacks!

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