Top 10 Videos I Pray We Never Ever See on #Instagram

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Facebook made a big announcement today. I thought maybe it’d be Facebook 3D, a huge social-themed amusement park or some really cool new feature like Smell-n-Share. But no, it wasn’t any of those.

Actually, it was all about Instagram, not Facebook really. But since Facebook paid a billion dollars for Instagram last September, they get to hold press conferences and stuff.

So what’d Instagram reveal? The fact that you can now share videos with your Instagram followers. Yeah, just like Vine. Except there are a few big differences between the two. Where Vine gives you about 6 seconds of recording time, Video on Instagram gives you 15 seconds. There’s no “looping” on Instagram, but it does have popular editing features such as 13 filters to give your videos a whole new look.

I tested the new video feature out briefly today and it works exactly as it should. Instagram’s uber popular and I’m fairly certain it’s because of the super-simple, user-friendly interface. The video functionality slides right into the whole app seamlessly.

There are still a number of features I hope Instagram will add soon (including the ability to filter your network to view only photos, only videos, or both), but I think they’re already off to a great start.

I haven’t really used Vine all that much, but I’ve really gotten into Instagram of late. (Check out my Instagram account if you dare. Be forewarned though, it’s full of loads of pictures of cupcakes, sushi and NYC skyscrapers.)

While watching a few videos today, I had an awful thought. What if people somehow… misuse video on Instagram? What if they put up some horrific things that I won’t be able to get out of my head no matter how many times I watch The Dukes of Hazzard Reunion to get my mind off it.

So I came up with a list, because I like lists. Without further ado, here are…

10 Videos I Pray We Never Ever See on Instagram

1) Live birth – Yes, having a baby is a beautiful thing. It’s a miracle and all that. But really, does anyone except for the actual parents really want to see a live birth? I can’t even fathom how many unexpecting Instagrammers will shriek in horror after stumbling upon a live birth video, only to accidentally drop their iPhones into the toilet from the shock.

2) Someone puking – Yeah, this is totally going to show up if it hasn’t already. A super duper fat kid eating blueberry pie at a fair until he throws up all over everybody is funny. (Bonus points to anyone who just said, “Stand By Me!”). Watching some frat boy puke on his shoes after too many funnels and keg stands isn’t.

3) Someone defecating – No comment.

4) How To videos for using feminine hygiene products – How To videos are actually quite helpful. But there are certain things women should keep to their inner circles.

5) Cute cats  – Nobody but nobody wants to see adorable cats running around being all cute and silly. Why, I’d be shocked if there’s more than say 5 or 6 cat videos in total by the end of the year.

6) Vine videos – Someone out there is going to be annoying enough that they’ll make an Instagram Video of someone else who’s in the process of making a Vine video. And for extra annoying points, the Vine video will be all about the guy making the Instagram video of the Vine video…

7) Grocery shopping – You laugh, but I’d bet my last box of Twinkies that someone goes around with a shopping cart at the local supermarket shooting video of everything they toss in their cart.

8) A giant spider eating a bird – Even a still image of a Goliath Birdeater makes me taste bile. Heck, just knowing that link exists creeps me out to no end.

9) Making chicken nuggets – Remember that nasty photo making the Internet rounds that showed that disgusting pink custard-like goo that’s somehow turned into chicken nuggets? Yeah, the photo was bad enough. Spare us the video, please.

10) Man getting hit in groin with football – For some reason people think it’s funny when a guy gets hit in the yabbos with a football or kickball. There’s really… heh… y’know, what? Scratch that. As long as I’m not the one on film, that one is pretty funny.

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9 thoughts on “Top 10 Videos I Pray We Never Ever See on #Instagram”

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  2. 1. No problemo, that’s why God invented TLC’s “Baby Story”. BTW, I came across a video of a new mom eating the placenta. No comment, no comment at all.

    2. Darlin, darlin, stand by me….. (aka SK’s “The Body”)

    3. Just a bunch of BS, dontcha know.

    4. Actually, it DOES help of you place one foot on the toilet seat, and aim towards the small of your back…

    5. All cats are evil. My grandma told me they sit on an infant’s chest in the crib and “suck the life out of it”. I have no reason to disbelieve this, as my grandma was a highly educated and scientifically -minded woman. As a young teen, she was chased by a wild dog, and her rabbi told told her to scream at the dog, “If you’re Christian, Jesus will get you for chasing me! If you’re Jewish, so am I, so leave me alone!” She tested this theorem, and reported positive results in her laboratory notes. Rest in peace, grandma.

    6. What’s a Vine video? Anything to do with ivy?

    7. Dude, you SAW me filming my last trip to the market? (I always wanted to direct).

    8. We do NOT discuss anything that has more than 4 legs. Am I making myself clear? Good.

    9. That’s nothing. I bet there’s a video around showing how disgusting pink custard-like goo can be turned into gold.

    10. That’s the entire basis for America’s Funniest (?) Home Videos. Without some poor shlub getting it in the huevos, the show would run exactly 12 minutes.

    • I’m quite impressed you took the time to answer every single point here, Sandy!

      I won’t comment on the placenta eating. (BLEARGH)

      Or the suggestion for #4. TMI!

      I think your grandma is awesome and now I hate cats even more!

  3. I’m still mourning the fact that instagram, as we know it, will soon be plastered with stupid Keek or Vine-type videos of self-absorbed people wanting to talk about absolutely nothing. I’m not a happy instagramer.

    • Hi there, Amy! Thanks for the comment. I never heard of Keek actually. And while there may be a lot more useless videos like you say, chances are you won’t see that many because you’re probably only following people who you care about on Instagram.

      Though it would be a great feature to filter by photo or video.


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