When you’re a kid life is just sooo unfair, right? You can’t eat dessert until you finish your veggies. You have a bedtime, then later on a curfew. You just can’t do anything you want!
How many times did your younger self say, “I cannot wait until I’m an adult”? Yeah, every second of every day, I bet. But guess what? You grow up, get married, start a family and… you still can’t do everything you want to do!
Sure you’ve got a lot more freedom but you’ve also got a lot more responsibilities. In fact, there’s actually a ton of things my wife doesn’t just disapprove of me doing… she outright forbids me! Seeing as how she does an incredibly awesome job of cooking, cleaning, and you-know-what-ing for me, I guess I have to listen to her.
So for you curious folks out there, here’s a list of the 10 Things My Wife Forbids Me to Do:
Yes, you read correctly. I am not allowed to ever cook rice in my own home. I can’t even stir a pot of rice if she’s cooking it. Why? Simple. Because I somehow manage to completely screw things up… Every. Single. Time.
2. Use the Dishwasher
Apparently I have no idea how to properly put dishes in the dishwasher, because every single time I try, I’m scolded and told to stop putting dishes in there backwards. So now I just leave everything in the sink, and honestly, everyone’s happier and better off that way.
Not that I have a strong desire to do it, but I don’t think anything freaks my wife out more than the concept of me skydiving. I had the opportunity to go once when I was younger (post college), but chickened out. Now that I’ve got a wife and kids, it’s really not worth the risk. Plus, now I can just blame it on my wife instead of saying I’m chicken.
4. Fold Laundry
Okay, not just laundry but towels, blankets, or anything else that needs folding. I never went to the Gap School of Folding Clothes, so if I fold anything, it somehow looks like a 3 year old’s origami project.
5. Wear Shoes in the Bedroom
This one isn’t just me, it’s anybody. My wife cannot stand anyone wearing their shoes throughout the house, especially if they go upstairs to all the bedrooms. When you think about it, it is kind of gross since you walk outside on the street in them and then track all that dirt and germs with you. Who wants that in their bedroom? Good thing I actually prefer being barefoot as much as I can.
My wife is DYING for me to grow a beard. Or even a goatee. I’ve done it before and actually won a “Beard Off” at work years ago, if I do say so myself. It’s just so itchy and no way I’m doing it in the summer. But a mustache? I agree with her that for the most part they can just look incredibly cheesy, so I’m cool with this rule.
7. Wear Black Sneakers
Okay, she doesn’t really forbid me, since I do have a pair that I used to exercise at home. But she won’t let me leave the house in them since I look completely ridiculous in them. Don’t ask.
There was an “incident” that I”d rather not get into. Let’s just say I love me some Sno-Caps and get them every time I go to the movies. But for very good reasons (I’ll blame my 9 year old), I can no longer enjoy those tasty little morsels within the confines of my own house. Hmm…. maybe if I eat them in the bathtub it’ll be okay…
9. Eat a Buffalo Chicken Wrap from The Dog House
If my wife didn’t forbid this one, I think I may’ve self-imposed it. There’s this restaurant near us called The Dog House. It’s got a crazy varied menu and just about everything they make is awesome. The Buffalo Chicken Wrap is probably the best I’ve ever had. But… it also has the worst effects on my digestive system. Meaning: It makes me produce the most toxic farts ever. I mean REALLY bad. So bad I almost knocked myself out. So yeah, it’s best to stay away from this one.
10. Bring a Blonde Bombshell into the Bedroom
I can’t really explain this one. Seems pretty reasonable to me.
What does your wife forbid you to do? (And do you listen?)